Eighty-Five Feet

My life is full of “my faults,” because I chose passion over industry.

-Ken Bradshaw

I’m reading a great book (link at the bottom) designed to help a person stay focused on their dream inside the realities of keeping your day job. The quote above hit me hard today. It was introduced around the concept of defining for yourself, what “success” means. You must define what is “enough.” This speaks to me greatly, for years I’ve been astounded and disgusted by the top business people of the world that serve nothing but themselves, only improving upon their net worth. I don’t understand what drives them, the greed is disturbing. I would always say “okay so you’re worth a couple of hundred million now, or billion, or even a few hundred billion, isn’t it time to stop? Isn’t there something more meaningful you want to do and can now do because you have zero fear of failure?”

Ken Bradshaw made that choice for himself, he holds the record for the largest wave ever surfed, but he’s not the most financially successful surfer. He’s not a “Michael Jordan” type of athlete who makes thousands of dollars a second from endorsements, but he could have. And you know what? Ken Bradshaw is rich and happy and is slave to nothing, not even his own success. His life is “his fault.”

That wave he surfed was 85 feet tall. Next time you’re looking up and the 8th or 9th story of a building, think about that for a second or two.

So I’m not there yet, I’m working towards it, I plan on being a self sustaining artist one day, one day soon actually. Being rich would be nice, being recognized would be better, being FREE will be BEST. And that’s my goal, to live and breathe art, my art, without slavery to a paycheck. Not that there aren’t jobs out there that would let me feel all this freedom and still provide me with income, it’s called a “dream job” not “the perfect job” for a reason. And if I may think aloud for a second, I might even say that I would prefer a dream job over complete freelance freedom. That dream job would provide a context, a structure and a responsibility to other people working on a creative goal. I LOVE THAT, it means more to me than working alone. I’ve been the only creative person in my place of employment since 1998. I need to be around others like me now; the isolation is getting to me.

Quitter by Jon Acuff  -  Hard Cover  or  Kindle

Five More Days

Well I don’t know about you guys but I’m still looking forward to winter. It was a hellishly hot summer and I’m simply ok with some cold for a while. I’m sure there will be some bitter ball biting deep freeze late in January that will make me think twice about what I just said but that’s ok for now. I’m not usually positive about winter, my mood often drops too low to be healthy, but I think I’ll ride it better this year. For any of you who know me or read my blog, you know I’m still whining about being recently single. Only four months but seems like forever. And I guess it’s still mine to whine about, when I’m done I’ll be done, for now this is what I got. Staying positive through a lonely winter is going to be one hell of a challenge.

I love the colors in the piece at the top, it’s a very positive coldness, I feel good about it instead of dreading the impending darkness. Speaking of darkness, that’s the other benefit of the winter solstice (December 21st this year), the days start growing longer again! It will be slow but no matter what, more daylight is more better!

I feel like giving advice – try to enjoy the seasons and not resist what comes. I’ve learned a few things over the last seven or eight years and one of them is to really observe the seasons, understand what’s happening and try to flow your life, thoughts and projects with them instead of resisting them. All you really have to do is watch a farmer do his job to understand what I’m about to say, here’s my basic rundown:

Spring

Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth, shit grows back, right? So do that. Shake off the winter snow, enjoy the longer daylight, feel that warmth grow inside you and start thinking about what you want for the oncoming year. It’s a time to plant those seeds.

Summer

Summer is a hot time, rapid growth and high energy. We’re unencumbered by heavy garments and can move quicker and more freely. The days are long and yours to fill with productivity and fun. Do it, use the daylight well.

Autumn

Summer always feels short lived once the days start shrinking. The fall is coming, but don’t crash with it, breathe it in. It’s the season of the harvest, the reaping of what you’ve sown in spring and summer. Enjoy the cool down and the slow down, sit back and evaluate the products of the previous warmer months, maybe finish up some loose ends in preparation for winter. It’s a good time to reflect and learn from any mistakes too.

Winter

The long dark for some of us. But that’s okay. Don’t expect so much of yourself during this time. Stay warm, be cool and just let it happen. Look to some simple indoor projects and hobbies, focus more deeply but on fewer things. Winter is really not so bad unless you’re a Chihuahua. And for God’s sake, above all else: DO NOT MAKE NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS. January 1st is still in the beginning of winter, the worst time to plan, to commit, to lay down new tracks. If you read this far and are considering my advice, you now see that spring time is when we should do that. There’s no energy for it in winter, you’re only setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. If you have something so important to do, then you should have started it in the warmer months of the previous year, and if you didn’t then it can wait until spring. In the meanwhile, read a book, maybe do some research and absorb some information you can use later. Enjoy allowing yourself to do less, you’ll be happier for it.

The Lion and the Lizard

This post is inspired by a friend of mine who is having a very bad time right now. She has experienced incredible amounts of fear and threat over recent days and still has found it in herself to be supportive of me. I’ve been having a couple of bad days myself on an entirely different topic, we’re not gonna talk about that today. She was hoping creativity and motivation that was recently stolen from me, drained like wine from a barrel, would return and I wouldn’t fall too deep into sadness. A short conversation with her today about her present feelings brought me back to my self with this idea for a drawing, so I dedicate this artwork to her.

Fear is a fucker. It’s one of those things you have to learn to master through philosophical means and gut wrenching practice. The first step is to know when you’re acting within the dominion of fear, I wish I had more advice to offer, it takes poise, pause, and presence. Practicing self awareness is a difficult task, the best learning tool for me has been a book called The Mandala of Being. This is a seriously deep book that blends Jungian psychology and Buddhism. I recommend it to anyone on an inward journey.

Danger response is controlled in the most primitive parts of our brain, sometimes it’s referred to as the lizard brain. Neural pathways from this area of the brain are both strong and numerous, they travel to almost all other areas of the brain for quick and direct control over our bodies. Biologically we’re evolved to respond to danger for survival purposes. As intellectual beings these signals are often processed in the pre-frontal cortex not for physical survival but as what we know as a sense of fear. As people who live in a “civilized” world, we manifest as worry, spinning thoughts and other desperate impulses that often cause us to react with behaviors that give us mental comfort and security to ease the fear feelings. Anyone eat when they’re sad or stressed? Seek out shitty relationships and sex when they think they’re gonna be alone forever? Go into a panic when they think their significant other is detaching from them emotionally? Welcome to my world.

There’s so much unfortunate circumstance of our biology here. First off, this mechanism obviously doesn’t serve us well if it filters through the human parts of our brain and inspires behaviors that are unhealthy. Second, the neural paths from the reasoning centers of the brain are like po-dunk country roads heading back into a dark wilderness compared to the mega-highways from the primitive parts of our brain outwards. It’s difficult but possible to send the right signals back against the current and learn to gain control and perspective. Fear can be mastered with pure rational thought, it takes practice and courage to face it.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s not good to be a lizard.

Rip it open!

Wow. I’m incredibly gushy right now, not sure what to do with all these emotions so I’ll try and write something that makes sense. Just got home from The Neon where I saw a film called The Sessions. It’s about a man trapped in his body due to childhood polio who surprisingly finds three kinds of love in his life. I thought the movie was going to be hilarious and charming, instead it had extremely subtle humor which I appreciate immensely and was extraordinarily poignant. I won’t divulge the details here, I don’t want to spoil it for anyone, but I will say that this film has popped an emotional cork deep inside me. Through great acting and overtly deliberate dialogue The Sessions conveys the rawness, the absolute gut ripping emotion and the not-so-tragic poetry of human attachment.

Late in the film I wept, it was a short lived but deeply sourced emotional wave. In that moment I realized joy, positive outlook and gratefulness for the love I have found, experienced, and lost throughout my life. This is some deep shit ladies and gentlemen, I’m not whistlin’ Dixie here. It’s very important for all people to understand this in life. It’s hard to think of their being much other purpose to life than to know real love, but I think it’s also critical to understand that love does not come in only one form.

I know what you’re all thinking so I guess I’ll just get to it… No, I’m not totally over Jonnie yet and my closest associates know that I’ve been a whole different kind of weird lately. There’s a lot still there in me, attached to him, and I’m glad it’s there. I’m glad I still love all the people I’ve ever loved. Sure it’s different now, less, but still rooted. It’s FUCKING AWESOME. So I’ll be okay. I needed the good cry tonight, maybe the film meant more to me because of all me recent emotional turmoil, but maybe not. Maybe it simply is. I can’t believe I almost hid in my house tonight and didn’t go see the film. I came so close to sitting on the couch watching nothing of consequence on the interwebs while eating a small bucket of chocolate covered raisins (fucking Girl Scouts of America obviously want me dead).

A side note – going to see independent film at The Neon has been the highlight of my year, everyone should go. It’s a different kind of audience, consistently the whole of the patrons sit and watch the entire film and the credits before making a move to leave. Then they file out more quietly than your average church goers after service. Odd, but I’ll take it. It’s better than assholes who show up late and don’t obey the cell phone rules in the mainstream theaters.

So I leave the theater, my eyes are sticky with dried tears. I head to the bathroom to pee and wash my face. I looked in the mirror and saw a different me than I have in months. I was there, me, solid, opaque, present, grounded and alive. OMG I’m getting fat! Depression will do that. I looked round, robust, thick, stocky, but my God I really am gorgeous sometimes. I guess we should scratch humble off the list Is it weird to be attracted to yourself on occasion? I guess we’ll save that question for Dr. Jenn. I would’ve taken a photo if there weren’t other patrons peeing behind me, they might have thought that was weird. Maybe I see more of what other people see when they look at me. Maybe I only hang around with people who adore me? I dunno but I’m glad I feel significantly better right now and I’m going to end this paragraph before we all have to go look up the clinical definition of narcissism.

The art at the top… I painted this (digitally) a while back. I’ve loved it for a while, in fact it’s one of my top three favorites in my own work. It’s never meant more than exactly what it looks like, the tension of sinew, the shredding, the ripping of muscle. Hearts are made of muscle. Today though I’m grateful for every scar on my heart, they have defined who I am now and who I will be in the future. And who is that? An over emotional, incredibly loving, moderately depressed, bisexual chubby chaser, who will one day gut himself open for yet another person’s love… Most likely soon after I’m done healing from the last. And that’s gonna be totally okay.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.

Holy shit, that was way too “Tiny Tim” …